That was the first thought I had the morning I awoke and decided to get sober. I was miserable, tired, depressed and suicidal. I was tired of living the way I was. My first day of sobriety I spent my entire day thinking “Fuck, how did I get to this point in my life”.
Luckily, I made it through day one without a drink. For the next two weeks my most thought-of word was “fuck”. The first two weeks of sobriety are definitely the toughest. No one decides to get sober after a great night of drinking. They usually decide when they are at their lowest point mentally. This is one of the reasons I find becoming sober to be so tough. In your first two weeks of sobriety your body feels like shit, your sleeping patterns turn to shit, your anxiety is at an all time high and your mental health has turned to complete shit- usually including hating yourself and the person you have become. It is all very taxing on you, your mental health and your body. There are very few words that can encompass the way you are feeling those first few weeks as well as the word “fuck”. In support groups you are not encouraged to use foul and strong language but in my opinion there are times you just need to scream “fuck”- either mentally or verbally. One of those times is early sobriety.
Now, the only time I think of the word “fuck” in regards to sobriety is when I hear things such as “Dale is on his 8th day of sobriety”. Always my initial thought is “Fuck”. Because those first few weeks are the toughest. Hearing that someone is at that point in their sobriety takes me back to my time at that point. I don’t wish to trade places with that person nor will I ever do so. The real hero in sobriety is the person who has fifteen days- not the person who has fifteen years. The toughest time in quitting drinking (or any substance) is the beginning. Each day gets progressively easier. The person fighting the hardest battle is the one just starting out. But it is that battle- that fight in you- that builds the foundation for a successful sober lifestyle. It is also that battle that brings you closer to other sober people. You have gone through something that very few on the outside can truly understand. You have climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro within yourself.
Once you get past the toughest phases, hopefully, the only time you will need that word is when that little voice inside your head says “let’s have a drink”. You can calmly reply “Fuck that”.